Part Deux

Okay, so part 2 doesn't really involve the firemen. But I am really glad they weren't around for the next "Carlye" moment. I am beginning to think, if it doesn't normally happen, then it will happen to me.

You know how everyone has had those thoughts as you are walking down stairs in front of people, or when you are thinking about walking up the the podium to share your testimony and all these thoughts go through your mind of what could happen then... Bam! You have this vision of........

Well last Tuesday the nightmare came to life.

I was conducting a meeting in the chapel with over 100 teenagers. Part of the program was a movie, the lights went off and I walk away from the podium. Just in time to look directly into the projector's light, BLINDED!

Not that you could see anyway, it was dark, but I was totally distracted by the piercing light still resonating in my head. And went to walk down the steps and instead of walking I just fell.I fell down the 3 stairs, to my knees! Kneeling in front of the teenagers I realized everyone got to see the show! A few people jumped up and asked if I was ok.

Am I ok? Ha! Of course I was okay. Come on, it's me, Carlye. You know, the only person in this world that can rip her face off, almost decapitate herself, bleeding everywhere and never notice the wound until someone else points it out. ("I am bleeding?!)

Although it was a reverent moment, I couldn't stop laughing. I stood up and raised my hand waving like a beauty queen.

But the funniest part wasn't the fall! The next day in class, "Sister D, is it true that you fell down the stairs yesterday at the assembly?" I just laughed! And they did too. My favorite comment was, "Sister D, you have had a rough week, bee's, firemen, and now tripping down stairs. It's a little bit more believable that a water ski about took your face off."

Oh, the beauty of being alive and being me!!! Wouldn't exchange it for a day! Well, maybe a few days I would exchange!

IS IT POSSIBLE?????????

SERIOUSLY, IS IT POSSIBLE??????????????

Yesterday I got attacked by bees... IN NOVEMBER! My friend and I were walking and then... BAM! Bee's everywhere. Long story short, we flew off the trail into the open park screaming, running and shaking. After all that work I still got stung 3 times on my neck and one other place. As I finished looking like a crazy women I looked up to see that about 30 Firemen had stopped there football game to watch the crazy ladies! I am sure they figured it out that we had got stung after we were complaining and checking out each others wounds.

Well, I had enough walking for one day and we headed back. As we were walking the fireman were passing the ball and "happened" to throw the pass right by me. The very attractive and nice fireman caught the ball and then turned and said, "HI!" just then I realized there was yet another bee that had burrowed into my hair and proceeded to sting me. So, instead of returning with a flirtatious, "Hello". I screamed, ripped my pony tail out and started shaking my hair out. Too in shock to wonder what had happened to"my fireman" I just tried to "duck tail" and get out. But my dog Koda apparently had other plans.

As I got my wits about me and called after him I look up to find him making a B-LINE for the fireman. Who eagerly welcomed him. And then I just started to laugh and laugh and laugh.

Babies attract girls and Dogs attract guys.

Wouldn't you like to know what happened next.............

Overwhelming

Today was an overwhelming day.

A day of realization. A day of reflection. A day of gratitude.

A day I would prefer to not have many of, but a day I am grateful for having.

I had the opportunity to talk with many of my students one on one. WOW!

The heartache they are having. Loneliness, betrayal by unfaithful parents, death of parents, illness that they are too young to have, disorders that cause them to be depressed or insecure.....

The list goes on......

And I thought I have had it rough. Breaking my back, tearing up my face... seem like nothing compared to what these kids are going through. And want to help them. As they share I feel my shoulders get heavier and my heart get broken. They have made space in their hearts for me and I want to help them heal.

"You should always leave a place better than when you found it,

ESPECIALLY,

when it is someones heart."

It is Tuesday at 2pm, and I am thoroughly exhausted. One more hour of work, but I am done. My job is not physically difficult, but when you are emotionally spent all of you is spent! Who would of thought a few conversations could draw so much out of you.

I feel like I am a well who has given my last drop, but now I am thirsty. Where do I find water now, who has enough to give to me? Do I share my burdens with another, and cause them to be burdened too?

No, I will not do that to another. I can not do that to another, not today, not when I have had the realization that many of us are already heavily burdened but hide it so well. I know that so many of us, in the dark cracked corners of our hearts, are suffering our own Gethsemane. But, instead of blood, you'll find tears. Silent, unseen tears that come from the heart.

Are you carry the burden with a smile, while your heart cries? These tears, no human can wipe away. You're children, parents, loved ones?

How can someone be so thirsty, yet have so much moisture coming from them?

Where? Where do you turn? Who can quench that thirst, dry up those tears, and heal that heart.

As the burden weighed down upon me, I realized I needed help. I needed to drink pure Living Water.

I soon found myself on my knees, seeking the Eternal Well. The well that never dries, the well that heals. This isn't my burden alone to carry. These are His children. As I poured out the tears, He poured in the Water. Hope filled my heart with a dash of peace, and a handful of strength. I am not alone.

For a brief moment, I felt a small amount of the concern Christ has for all of us. I felt it for my youth. Not nearly the amount He feels, yet enough to put me on my knees begging for strength to carry the burden of their souls. Begging for understanding and wisdom.

"And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive" (Matt 21:22)

I asked, believed, and received!

I heard the voice of the Lord call to me,

"Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest"

I am heavy laden, I will come! REST? No, I still must labor on, but here "rest" to me is the strength of the Spirit. Empowering me and lifting my burden to be shared with Christ.

"For my yoke is easy, and my burden it light" (Matt 11:28-30)

This truly is His "yoke" (or work) and this burden is really "light" (or illumination, not heavy).

His burden, my burden, our burden, is easy and light. After much reflection, I am so grateful for my Savior, Jesus Christ. I am so grateful for the opportunity I have to serve the youth. But I do not serve alone, I have a partner, that will give me rest and Living water when I ask. I will have the Savior "yoked" next to me helping carry the burden.

And, I WILL echo the Savior's words when I am in my own Gethsemane,

"...and fell on his face, and prayed, saying, O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me: nevertheless, not as I will, but as thou wilt." (Matt 26:39)

"Nevertheless, glory be to the Father, and I partook and finished my preparations unto the children of men." (D&C 19:19)

I know this is a long 'blog', but I needed to vent. And I hope you realize that everyone has their very own Gethsemane. Please, oh, please do as the Savior has done, kneel down and pray to the Father for strength, hope, understanding and wisdom. If you ask, He WILL answer! He will put on the yoke and pull with you! He will send the Spirit to strengthen you and give you vision.

Down Memory Lane

About a week ago Matt and Jenny invited me on their trip to California. Unfortunately, I couldn't go. Work work work.

But there was a time once when travel on family vacations was an option. Many moons ago. And one moon, gave me warm memories. One of my favorite memories of traveling was when I brought J and Pay to Hawaii to meet up with their parents. Man, I love those 2 kids! And it was such an adventure getting there! With Grammy sleeping and Carissa's help we made it safe and sound. And we enjoyed one of the best trips ever with J, R, and J and P! Paradise really was paradise with them.

To this day, lil' Pay has a very special place reserved for her in my heart! She is always welcome there and needed! Even in her "darkest days" she was my brightest sunshine! I love her so much! As she grows up I want to stuff her back in my heart and make her stay small, but I do admit she is turning out to be a beautiful and fun young lady!

Having 3 brothers has just polished her fighting skills. And those boys! My only nephews! Thank heavens because although they are little they also have claimed some large real estate in my heart too! I am definitely a push over when it comes to Micah's eyes. And Julian is by far the most tender and brave boy I have ever met! He is just like his mother in his loving patience and ability to sacrifice for others. Now, though Tyson is young, I can see his daddy's spirit in him. Full of life and ready to roll. But when it comes to his mom, he is a sucker! Soft as it can be when it comes to loving his mom! And all of these boys have the same tendency to tease and torment their sister, but when it comes to other people picking on her, watch out. They are as protective as Jared was! I love these kids and miss them so much. I wish I could see them more, I feel like I am missing so much! But At least they have great parents watching over them and teaching them how to be great, forgiving, loving and loyal people. They definitely got lucky with their parents, and I got lucky with 'em kids

Where?

Dear TaNece,

This blog is for you! Where are you and how can I get a hold of you. I tried finding your blog. No luck!

Opposition in All things, God's Love in Everything!

Blessed are the hearts of the weakened, afflicted, sorrowed, and burdened. For in these things humility, strength, love, and friendship are developed.

I am only me and in the last 2 weeks I have discovered that being me is pretty dang lucky. Many have heard the phrase, "SCARRED FOR LIFE"! I am scarred for life! But instead of the insecurity and shame a scar may mark the person with, I am scarred differently. My scar is a tell-all! Not of ugliness or blemish, but a mark of an experience that gives me great joy and gratitude.

Although I carry on my face a surface mark of my immortality and imperfections, its significance is far deeper and more penetrating. The water ski only made it to my skull, but the Spirit has made it to my soul. This scar gives me great love for all my Father in Heaven has given me.

It is amazing how such a small event can have such an eternal effect on you. I have learned how blessed I am to have been placed on this earth with my family. It amazes me still how God is involved in the details. I am so lucky to have parents that would drop everything at even the thought that there child is suffering and needs help. When the phone call went out to my parents that I had been hurt, they came running... LITERALLY. I watch my sweet little mom run down the launch dock searching for me. But what really impressed me wasn't just their reaction but the fact that I could trust that they would be there! When it first happened, before I knew it was serious, my first thoughts were to turn to my parents for help. And I am so grateful that they answered my call and and proved faithful in the trust I have for them.

For those of you who have wondered how I can have such faith in my Father in Heaven and His son Jesus Christ, there is your answer..my earthly parents have taught me through there example the possibility of a loving Heavenly Father who is always ready to help me and I can trust in Him to be there when I call.

But my experience doesn't end there! God has promised that angels are constantly helping you along the path. He never leaves you alone and gives all assistants you may need. He will allow you to suffer and stretch, but never alone. 2 hours from the accident was an angel prepared to help me. For years he was being prepared. Not just to be my surgeon, but my kindhearted generous brother. His preparation wasn't only academic and medical, but his preparation began has he decided to marry a beautiful self-less wife that constantly supports him in his endeavors and growth. She encourages him to be better through her example and through her words. She has become an essential part of our family. And I am sure if there was any doubt in Matt's mind as to what to do, Jenny was right there letting him know what to do!

Of course I am grateful that Matt could work on my face. I know he is a talented and gifted doctor, but I needed more than just that. I needed someone that I could trust would do his best because I knew he loves me. I know Matt had some reluctance to work on my face, maybe because he knew he would have to look at it forever! But even with that reluctance he sacrificed his Saturday with his family and began a long and tedious process of putting me back together.

And 2 weeks later I am healing up beautifully, the scar isn't gone but I am glad it isn't! It reminds me every day of my Brother's love and gift. Not only my brother, Matt, but also my Brother, my Savior. It is a kind reminder of His love for me. And His gift to repair my blemishes, to put me back together when I can not do it myself. But like Matt's constant phone calls and check ups, my Savior is constantly checking up on me to see how the healing is coming along. Like a true "Doctor" HE never just leave His patient alone after the surgery. He is by your side through out the healing process.

He is checking on your progress and He sends others to check on you. "Nurses" if I may. And He has sent plenty of nurses to check up on me and help me feel loved. Calls from my siblings, prayers from my family, hugs (and sometimes "ewws and grosses") from my nieces and nephews. Friends trying desperately to lie to me about how "it really isn't that noticeable". Co-workers sending me home early to rest. Home Teachers calling and checking in..... the list goes on and on. I could write a book about the many angel "nurses" that have helped me feel so loved in the past 2 weeks.

But here is the blunt unfiltered truth.... I struggled! Surprisingly, I went through so many emotions. Emotions that we all feel throughout our lives, but they were packaged tightly and powerfully in one week. Emotions and feelings I thought I had long since overcome. Feelings I thought I had been through and overcome long ago. Feelings of depression, lower self-esteem, feeling ugly, awkward and insecure by everyone staring at my face. (not because I was beautiful, but because I was "marked" with something ugly)

I could not understand what God's reasoning was behind "this trial"? Had I done something horrible? Was I too vain? Conceded? I felt horrible that I was so vain to care that I had a scar on my face. I felt ridiculous that I even cared that my forehead/eyebrow was paralyzed.

As I knelt and talked with Heavenly Father I apologized for the dumb feelings I was having and how I knew that it wasn't that big of a deal. I knew that others were and are suffering worse than me. I hated that these feelings were filling me. I didn't want to feel this way and wanted to go back to 'ME'. Happy me.

I realized that the cut had gone deeper than my skull, it had pierced my soul. And if I didn't take action it may poison me. It may seem a bit dramatic, but it is true. Self-doubt can really hurt a soul. I needed to start taking control and doing what I had been taught and have been teaching for years... I needed to rely on the Atonement to help me. I needed to turn to my Savior to teach me and rely on the Spirit to help change me. As I have pondered my feelings and emotions I have realized that I am not the same person I was a week ago. As I look in the mirror I see someone different. I see be better through the Saviors eyes. I am better!

My worth is not defined by my scars. But I define what my scars are worth.

And this scar is worth so much. I have strengthened my relationship with my Savior, I have become more humble but at the same time more confident. My beauty is a reflection of how I feel inside. And I feel amazing. I feel like I am such an incredibly special person. Why else would God bless me with such an amazing experience. Why else would God let me know how much love surrounds me. God taught me how much He loves me through His "angels", my family and friends. And most important He taught me about the Atonement, Christ infinite sacrifice, and the eternal perspective.

I am beautiful because I am a daughter of God!

some scars are worth keeping

Accidents

Not just another day on Bear Lake!

Well, it seems I stay below the radar, unless it has to do with an accident. When I get hurt I really get hurt. I go all the way. If you remember about 8 years ago I decided to take a very common occurrence and make it into a catastrophe! I got thrown off my horse and broke my back. Many times I have been thrown, but never with such severe results.

Well, I was doing something I have done countless times.... water skiing. And I thought I would take crashing to a whole new level......

I am only smiling because I am in shock, I think! Trust me, it was worse than it looks and it bled enough to satisfy many vampires.

It didn't hurt until Matt got done with me. Although he wasn't the cause of the pain, it was the pain killers wearing off.

DR. MATTHEW DAHLMy hero! What doctor do you know that will come in on a Saturday and sew a mess up. But I think he did enjoy it a little. Below he is poking my skull. And yes I could feel it. The ski went right through the muscle to the bone. And let me tell you, when the doctor says, "wow, you have paint from the ski on your skull" it kind of makes your stomach turn.

And yes, I was awake the entire time. I guess I have a pretty high tolerance for pain. And hate when doctors ask, "on a scale of 1-10 how bad is your pain". Why don't they just ask, "how much morphine do you want?"

Dr. Dahl did a great job putting humpty dumpty back together again. But I still feel like the sister of Frankenstein. Harry Potter's scar has nothin on my "T". And if you are wondering how many stitches do I have? Dr. Dahl quit counting! You just get to see the top layer of stitches.

The next day, The bruising on my forehead began to drain into my eye. And for some reason people really think a black eye is a big deal, but trust me the head is a little bit bigger deal.

Funny thing is, I am almost 32 yrs old and I have always wanted a black eye, I changed my mind.

I am drugged!

So, a bit about the head injury. I was water skiing and apparently did an "endo" into my ski. I rarely fall skiing many of you know. So, I was pretty ticked and my back was strained. I pulled the ski off, and saw a few floating stars. As the boat pulled up, everyone on the boat began shouting, "Carlye, are you OK? Carlye?" I said I was fine but done skiing. Their response, "Ah, Carlye, you are bleeding." I reach up to touch my face and looked at my bloody hand. Then I quickly realized that my face was covered in blood as was the water. The boat got to me and everybody started trying to help me. I got really irritated because it made it harder and I didn't feel hurt.

They pulled me in the boat and immediately went to helping me. They handed me my towel to use as a compress. Quickly the towel filled with blood and at this point I was a bit concerned and ask for a mirror. Some of you may think this vain, but I needed to know what I was working with.... Ugh! From a 1st aide kit I found a compress and applied. A very fine young man, Ed, tried to comfort me on the way back across the lake. About 15 minutes to marina. And by then my parents were waiting. I held it together until I saw my mom and dad running down the ramp. Then my eyes began to tear up.

It is really interesting that as soon as my parents appeared I could rely on them for strength. And it felt much much better not having to be strong. Letting my dad's arms surround me and be my support, felt like heaven. It just felt better. Much like relying on the Savior. It just feels better allowing Him to encircling you in His loving arms.

We went to the clinic in Bear Lake, but my mom was not about to have a PA sew my face back together. Not that I am a model or anything, but she does have to look at it for the rest of our lives. :)

So, we began the trek to Salt Lake City, to have Dr. Dahl fix me up.

My favorite comment was from Matt, "Man, Carlye, you are more of a mess than I thought." Way to boost my confidence.

But he did fix me up very well, especially with the assistance of a wonderful Mom. She stayed by my side the entire time, even though she was starving and doesn't like blood. She is a perfect example of what a perfect mom is.

After a couple hours and several packages of suture I was finished. Well, Dr. Dahl was finished. I still have a bit to recover. My face is uglier now than the day it happened, and I still have paralysis above my eye. I am praying that, that will return. Or I will have a seriously sexy eye brow raise!

Even if I have a long road ahead to have my face back, and it might not be back to "normal", I will take my face anyway it comes, as long as it means I get to live another day.... another day with those that loved me enough to help me!

Thank you for all your help. Thank you for all your love. And thank you for your prayers! I have never felt such love and concern.